Back at Work

Its been two four day weeks back at work now. Things are going pretty well, crazy mostly, but overall alright. We are getting into a routine at home, trying to make things gel as well as possible, and so far we are tripping and stumbling our way through it.
I like being back at school, teaching, seeing the kids, using my brain. The problem right now is that there is no planning time. I leave the house at 7am so I have about 45min at school to get ready for the day. Then the bell rings and I'm off. I teach, pump through morning break, teach two classes back to back, pump at lunch and then I beat it out the door to get home so Phil can get to work. Once I am home I usually have no interest or energy to think about school, at least not until later in the evening. I am practicing letting go of a lot of my own expectations of myself for awhile. Trying to accept my limitations and just do what I can with what I have. I think it will turn out alright.

Phil and August are having an awesome time hanging out at home together. They have their routine down pat. I have to say it is hard to leave in the mornings, I want to stay in bed and soak up the love, but once the bell rings I am off and running. I get home around 1:30 and Phil leaves for his job at Waiakea, but thankfully, he is home pretty early and we all enjoy the evening together.
I am sure I will have more to report as this grand experiment rolls on.....

Welcome Aunties!

Aunty Ellie and Aunty Maddie have arrived! Hooray!!!!

Last Thursday Ellie and Maddie arrived from Minnesota and moved in with us. We have been eagerly awaiting their arrival as the first family members to meet August in person. We went over to Kona to pick the girls up last week and on the way stopped at Kua Bay. It was a beautiful sunny day and we lubed August up with sunscreen, stripped him down and took him into the ocean. It was not our first time in the ocean, but it was definitely the warmest water we had been in. He seemed to enjoy himself at the beach, and Phil and I were happy to get in the water and be in the sunshine.

Having Maddie and Ellie here has been a blessing. Aside from enjoying there presence in our lives, it is great to have extra hands to hold, and hug, and help. August is surrounded by so much love, it makes me happy. I can't wait to see what this year brings as we grow as a family.

Breastfeeding is Beautiful

With one week left of maternity leave, I look back over the last 8 weeks and realize that breastfeeding has been one of my favorite parts of being a new mother. Not that it has been easy; the sore nipples, immobilization, and sometimes isolation from social settings, but overall it has been a wonderful, beautiful experience.

My favorite time to nurse is at night. With the crib against the bed, midnight feedings consist of simply rolling over, pulling him out of his crib, and laying him next to me. Most of the time we fall asleep right there next to each other, and it isn't until hours later that I wake up and put him back in his crib. I love cuddling next to him, rubbing his back and fine hair, and in the mornings just gazing at him. It is truly a peaceful time.

Over the weeks, I have become a more brave and less modest breastfeeder in public. I have to thank my community of friends for being so supportive and helping me to feel comfortable. Being able to feed around them without worry of scrutiny has helped me be more brave in public spaces when they are not around. My biggest public challenge to date would have to be our shopping trip to Walmart. It was busy as usual, and we were moving so we had a lot of little things to get for our new apartment. August had done really well throughout the shopping experience until the very end when he got hungry and started wailing. I was going to take him out to the car to nurse, but when I got to the door and looked out the window it was a torrential downpour outside. So now with a screaming baby in a busy store I had to find a place to nurse. I found that the opthalmology department was fairly quiet, so I snagged a chair and brought it to the corner for a little privacy and a view out of the store where I could see Phil when he passed. I was still very much in the public eye, and whipping out my breast was strange and embarrassing, but once we started nursing, and August was happy, I found that I didn't really care about anyone else. I had a little scarf with me that I used for some modesty, but clearly I was nursing. When I finished, and got packed up to go, I got some pretty serious stink eye from that doctor at the store. Apparently nursing in public still is a bit taboo, but he has no idea how helpful it was to have a spot to sit and nurse in the middle of a busy, hectic environment. So that, I suppose, was my initiation to nursing in public. I am glad for it, because now it doesn't seem like such a big deal.

Pumping presents a whole new dynamic to breastfeeding. It was hard for me to accept this technology as it reduces you to essentially cow-like status, but I have come to appreciate the flexibility it affords. I have been pumping for a couple of weeks now, stockpiling some for when I go back to work, and bottle feeding with the rest. We have gotten into a routine now where Phil takes August in the mornings, allowing me a few more moments of sleep, and feeds him from a bottle. The bottle feeding has been a little bit of a challenge, but for the most part successful. Pumping has also allowed me to have back a few moment just for me. I have been able to get back on my bike and take a ride as well as attend a few yoga classes. Next week will present a whole new level of pumping activity as I go back to work. I am nervous because it is one more thing to juggle in an already hectic schedule. I think I just need to make it a priority above all else, lock my door during morning and lunch breaks, and say "no" when needed. A friend suggested a strange contraption that I immediately ordered. It is a hands-free nursing bra in which the pump zips into the bra so you can pump while multi-tasking. This advice comes from a fellow teacher and mother who pumped when she went back to work, so I am excited to see what it will do for me.

Aside from some of the logistical challenges that breastfeeding presents, I feel extremely fortunate to be able to breastfeed August. The bonding time is real and palatable. It helps me practice patience and selflessness, and for that I am thankful.

Good Morning August!

Here are a couple of videos we took of August over a few mornings. He is definitely growing fast, and everyday it seems like he is doing something new. We had a doctor's appointment on Monday and has grown to 22 3/4 inches and weighs in at 10lbs 8oz. To his mother's delight, he is in the 90th percentile for length and 75th percentile for weight. Although he is blond and blue eyed, I think he will be tall and skinny like his dad.
Some of the fun changes that have been occurring over the last couple weeks include standing and bouncing while held, and smiling. The smiling development has been great! We were worried that he was living up to the nickname we have given him; Grumpy Gus, but he seems to be a happy, smiley baby when he isnt hungry.

Our Favorite Baby Gadgets

In the last few weeks Phil and I have definitely found the gems within our baby arsenal that make life a little easier and more enjoyable. I am sure this list will change and morph as we August does, but for now here are our top choices for happy living with an infant.

Katie's Top Three Infant Gadgets:

Earth Mama's Natural Nipple Butter:
A total life savor. Cool and refreshing on the nipples. I think I used half the jar in the first two days of breast feeding. Made of all natural ingredients, it is safe for the baby to consume so there is no worry about when you apply it or needing to wipe it off when feeding.

Mini Shower Diaper Sprayer:
This little invention is a natural companion for cloth diapering. The mini sprayer attaches to the toilet and allows you to rinse dirty diapers right into the toilet. It has worked great for us. We just rinse the junk into the toilet, ring the diaper out, and throw it into the diaper pail until we have enough for a full load (about every other day we do a wash of diapers). It is a superb accessory for the cloth diapering venture.

The Boppy:
The Boppy is a 3/4, donut shaped cushion that is totally invaluable to everyday proceedings with an infant. It is perfect for breastfeeding as it brings baby right up to breast level. It is also great for propping baby up in a seated position, or practice on their tummies. We have found it helpful when August doesnt want to be put down, but dinner is ready and on the table. He can hang out on the Boppy, be close to the skin, but allow us to have our hands free to eat.



Phil's Top Infant Gadgets

Graco Travel System:
The travel system is a combo carseat and stroller. The great thing about getting a travel system is that the car seat fits into the stroller without having to take baby out of the car seat and transfer them into the stroller. We have enjoyed many walks with the stroller, which also has a basket on the bottom to store the diaper bag, and cup holders for Mom and Dad's coffee. The best part is we got it off of Craig's list from a couple moving back to the main land. A steal of a deal and a totally helpful gadget.

The Boob: This one explains itself!

3 weeks with August

August is almost 3 weeks old already! Life has definitely changed in the last 3 weeks, and oddly, it is still very much the same. Phil and I are adjusting to the joys and rigors of life with an infant, and August, I am sure, is adjusting to life in this wide world.
What amazes me is just how different every day can be. Some days August is happy and ready to go out and do errands with me, and some days we don't leave the house. Some days he sleeps for hours, and other days it is hard to get him to sleep for an hour at a time. Some days there seems to be a pattern in his behavior, but most days we are just bewildered about what he wants or needs and what will come next.

August is certainly growing and is a very good eater. It is so funny to watch him get revved up to eat. First he starts to suck ferociously on his hands, fingers, and wrists. If you are holding him, he might also use a shoulder to satisfy his suckling needs. Then when the boob is offered, he gets so excited he doesn't know what to do with himself. He arms go up, he starts to coo, and I have to almost strap him down to focus him enough to start eating.

August is also a baby with a thousand different facial expressions, all of which he has no control over. Phil and I can never tell what is about to come, because his face can go from a smile to a wail in a nano second. He has this coy face, and a stern face, an anxious face, and an excited face. We have been trying to capture some of these looks on film, but by the time the flash goes off, his expression has totally changed.

So far Phil and I are having a good time - getting through the challenging moments, and savoring the precious moments. We are set to move here in a week or so and are hoping that August will cooperate to help us make it a successful venture. I am very happy that I will not be starting back to work until the end of August, so I will have plenty of time to get settled and spend time with this little guy.

Introducing to you......

August Kamanakai Koessler
Born Tuesday June 24th, 2008, 10:35 pm
Weight: 7lbs 9oz
Length: 19 inches


Now that we are home and settled I will attempt to record the events that led up to August's birth. I was warned to write it down quickly as the details rapidly start to fade, and I already find that to be true only four days after his birth. Overall, it was a long journey, full of ups and downs, but one that I savor every minute of.

Monday, June 23rd: Phil and I went to bed Sunday night around 10:30 after attending the lovely wedding and reception of our friends Cam and Lisa. I woke up around midnight with sore hips as usual, and as I tried to work it out in bed I felt the overwhelming urge to pee. By the time I got to the toilet I had water streaming down my legs. " Oh my gosh!" I thought, "its happening,my water broke." As soon I thought it was safe I went to the bedroom to tell Phil, but barely made it there before I had to turn around again as more liquid spilled out of me. We were so excited. Phil, still in a sleep stooper was understandably confused about what the he should then do. After a cleansing breath, he hopped into action calling our midwife, the top of our phone tree, tidying up the apartment and beginning to set up the birthing tub. Once I stopped gushing I started to pack a "just in case" hospital bag. In retrospect, it is humorous at how fast we got everything together and ready for something that was still almost two days away. Around 1am my contractions began. This was exciting because they were the first real contractions I had felt. They started about 10minutes apart and progressed to about 5 min apart by 6am. After we got the through the business of preparation, we were able to get a few hours of sleep before morning.

Our midwife came over around 8am after delivering another baby in Waimea. Upon examination she determined that I was only 60% effaced and about 2cm dilated. The baby was still sitting pretty high, and we were told to hunker down for a long day.

So Phil and I did our best to stay positive and active. Phil made a nutritious breakfast, we walked the driveway, watched a few movies, and played cribbage. My contractions were definitely present, but manageable, and had slowed to between 8 and 10 minutes apart. We were certainly waiting for something to happen but were enjoying the time together. Around 5pm that afternoon, our midwife came back to check on us. Examination indicated that not much progress had been made during the day. This was definitely frustrating news, but we were not discouraged. We were told that because the membranes had ruptured, we were concerned about possible infection, but as we had been monitoring baby's heart rate all day, and my temperature as well, nothing was indicating signs of stress. She left telling us to get as much rest as possible and we she would be back in the morning.

Monday night, early Tuesday morning was perhaps the most challenging night I have ever had. I went to bed that night with contractions coming about every 8 minutes. I wasn't able to sleep through them, but rather I would wake as they were coming on, move through them, and then doze in the space between. Because Phil had been at my side through almost every contraction during the day, in addition to getting me water, reminding me to do things, making food, etc. I really wanted to allow him as much sleep as possible, because I knew he would have another big day on Tuesday. I wanted to only wake him if I really needed him, and thus get through the night on my own. It was challenging because laying on my side allowed me a certain degree of sleep, but the contractions were much more intense. Sitting up felt better, but was tiring on my sacrum and pelvis. Contractions certainly strengthened during the night and I had to go deep into myself to stay focused and accept the pain as progress. I visualized the contractions as waves rolling over my body, I welcomed the contractions on a deep inhale, and released the pain on each exhale, I imagined my mind separated from my body, and I talked my body through the progress it was sure to be making. I got out of bed several times to walk around, use the bathroom, and eat. The hours between midnight and 5am were the longest and hardest. I thought I had done alright until Phil woke up in the morning and I lost it. I cried harder that morning than I have all pregnancy. I was surprised too, because I had worked so hard to stay strong during the night, but sometimes I think you don't realize how lonely and dark a situation is until its not anymore. Phil did a wonderful job consoling me and working through the next set of contractions together. Leaning against his chest I was again able to melt into the rhythmic patterns of his breathing, and sensations of his touch.

Tuesday, June 24th: After the hard night, I was hopeful that some progress had been made. Our midwife came over that morning and reported that indeed progress had been made, but nowhere near what we needed. At 7am , I was 3cm dilated and fully effaced, and baby had dropped into my pelvis. We had been checking baby's heartrate regularly, as well as my temperature to make sure there was no infection or stress, and since all signs seemed positive we hunkered down for another day of laboring and hoped things would start to happen. So Tuesday happened much like Monday. Throughout the night my contractions had become a steady 5minutes apart and continued at this frequency throughout the day. The intensity however, certainly increased.It was like the volume being turned up.

I have to give Phil much thanks and praise here. He was the jack of all labor-coaching trades. When he wasn't getting me something to eat or drink, making me more comfortable, distracting me with games, walking the driveway with me, reminding me to pee- he was breathing through each and every contraction with me, offering new positions, and stroking my hair, neck and back. Without him, my laboring at home would have been drastically shorter in duration.

Around 5pm, our midwife returned. Despite all the hard work we had done throughout the day, no further progress had been made. We were told that we clearly had a case of
'failure to progress", and it might be time to consider utilizing tools that the hospital could provide. Phil and I took some time to come to terms with this reality. We knew that once we got to the hospital, our peaceful atmosphere would change, so we took our time preparing to leave. At this point, my contractions were strong and I was both physically and emotionally tired. I was sad to leave home, and give up the idea of a home birth, but I was also ready to move more definitively toward the finish line. So, after 44 hours of laboring at home, we headed to Hilo Medical Center.

We walked through the doors of Hilo Medical Center at 8pm. By 8:30 we were up in our room. As anticipated, things started moving really fast. I was put in a bed and strapped down with fetal monitors. They wanted to do a stress test on the baby to see where he was at. Phil and I elected to fudge the time of my water breaking to hopefully keep us in a mode of investigation and decision making, versus an emergent mode. We said that the water had broken that morning and we had been laboring at home. They were not thrilled with this news to say the least. They became very concerned with infection and started me on an IV. Then, when the baby's heart rate was in the higher ranges of their comfort zone they gave me an oxygen mask. So much for birth plan or discussing options, it was apparently go time. By 9:15 the OBGYN on call was up in our room assessing the data. He immediately advocated for a cesarean section in light of the the baby's heart rate patterns, and the duration in which the bag of waters had been broken. When we asked when he thought this might happen, he informed us that we should waste no time and he would assemble the team immediately.

Phil and I were floored. We knew this could be a possibility, but we could have never imagined that it could become a reality so soon after arriving. We asked for a moment alone to discuss our options, which they were reluctant to give us , but they did leave the room for all of 3 minutes. We looked at each other with expressions that could only be interpreted as "What the hell is going on here?" It was intense to say the least. We realized that this might be the end of the road; if 44 hours wasn't enough to do it, then perhaps more time at the hospital would accomplish anything more. We were also under the influence of phrases such as " brain damage" and "infection", and certainly we did not want to do any harm. So, after our allowed 3 minutes of conversation, we conceded to the surgery. At least, we knew, we would be meeting our little one very shortly.

When we arrived at the hospital they had given us a Power of Medical Attorney form which we were thankful for since it was one of the details we just hadn't covered, but wanted to. Now that surgery was imminent, we wanted to make sure that Phil could make decisions on my behalf in case of any complications with surgery. Phil jumped into action and called our friends JP and Mike, who flew down to the hospital to bear witness to the document. As that was happening, I was being prepped for surgery. All of a sudden there were 6 people in the room, all poking and prodding me and asking me questions. I was still having contractions, just as strong, and at frequent intervals, but at this point no one would pause to let me work through them. These were by far the most difficult contractions of the whole experience. I was so scared, and uncomfortable, and out of control of what was happening to me that much of the experience seems lost in a fog - as though not happening to me at all. They wheeled me into the operating room which was so bright and cold. I started to shiver almost uncontrollably. They brought me warm blankets to put around my shoulders as they inserted the epidural into my lower back. Within minutes I couldn't feel anything from my diaphragm down. My legs felt like dead tree stumps that were only peripherally apart of my body. Phil was watching all of this through the operating door window, trying not to lose it, as he was prepped in gown, mask, and hat. The surgical sheet was lifted so I could no longer see below my chest. Phil came in and sat directly to my left, held and kissed my hand and kept eye contact with me. The surgeons discussed where to get the best pizza on island as they began the surgery. Phil and I felt the table shake and doctors say "Wow, he is really wedged in here!" and then a loud, long, boisterous roar rang out as August was delivered from the womb at 10:35pm! Phil left me to go over to where they were assessing him, and soon he was at my side again holding our son. As happy and excited as I was, it was one of the most surreal experiences of my life. I couldn't quite hold on the what was happening or who that was in front of me. Soon Phil and the baby left for the nursery as I got sewn up and sent down to recovery. I got so shaky from the cold, or the experience, or the meds that they gave me Demerol which made me sleepy. I was in recovery for about an hour while feeling came back to my lower body.

I was wheeled up to my room to find Phil holding a beautiful baby boy in his arms. His mouth was moving rapidly in a sucking/feeding motion and Phil said "Its about time, Mom, there is someone here who wants to see you". Phil handed him off to me and I put him to my breast where he immediately and effortlessly latched on and went to town. I was grateful that the hospital staff has abstained from giving him a bottle while I was in recovery so we could have that bonding experience together. At this time, it was a little after 12:30 in the morning. We spent the rest of the night in each others arms, I don't think baby spent one minute in the bassinet until well into the next day.

We spent the next 48 hours in the hospital, recovering, relaxing, and getting to know each other in our new role as family. Phil was happy when we were assigned a second night in the hospital because he said that would ensure that I relax and recover. After the surgery I was sore, but not in as much pain as expected. The nursing staff was so nice and accommodating, we were very pleased with our care after the surgery. Although a cesarean was the last thing that Phil or I envisioned for ourselves, we have no regrets because we were able to labor at home together for as long was safe. We did our best, and we did it together, and at the end of the day, we have a beautiful little boy staring up at us who is all kinds of wonderful.